Scanxiety (noun) – the tension which builds, particularly among those who have or have had cancer, as they move towards their regular check up scan - hyper-scanxiety being the period as they await results! (cool – I actually found this definition online )
Tomorrow is my CT scan to see if Nexavar is still working after 6 months. I’ve got everything crossed that it is working and I can put off any more drug changes or surgeries for a bit. I’ll find out the results on Tuesday.
It occurred to me yesterday that this is somewhere around my 18th scan since February ’06. Nine of those have been since April ’09. I think it’s safe to say I no longer need to buy glow sticks for my daughters. I should be radioactive enough to light up any room. I suck at hide and seek in the dark!
I’ve gotten to the point where the techs just look at me and say “you know the drill”. I hop up on the thing, life my knees for the pillow, put out my left arm for the IV and my right for my blood pressure. I don’t have to change into those cold little gowns because I know not to wear metal of any kind. I drink my oral contrast like a good girl and know that when the IV contrast makes my nether regions hot, I haven’t really peed my pants – it just feels like I have. Can’t help but wonder just a little though.
I have the “breathe….hold your breath” thing down so well I don’t even look at the little smiley guy on the front of the scanner. I do however stare into the spot that says “laser - do not stare at beam” every single time. It’s a lot like when you tell your friend that so-and-so is right behind them but not to look, and they immediately turn around. We never learn.
What’s really bad is I know which tech is scheduled on Wednesdays and would prefer the other one. D is my favorite. He usually gives me some idea if anything new has popped up. Of course he follows that with “But you know I’m not the radiologist right? He’ll read it and Dr. N will let you know”. Yeah, I know all that but I still like him best because he gives me the extra warm blankets.
B (not my favorite) won’t tell me much but I can usually tell if it’s bad because she avoids me. After my scan in February she avoided me and busied herself with folding my not quite as warm blankets. I asked her if the mass behind my stomach had grown and she said “Oh, I don’t know. I didn’t look at the images yet”. LIAR! It tripled.
Even after all this time, I still get really nervous so I try to occupy my mind with stupid shit. Last time I must have been an even bigger idiot than usual because I remember looking down at my body as I was sliding in and out of the little donut shaped scanner and thinking: “Hmm….this must be what it’s like to be a penis.” My mind, it is officially lost. Please let me know if you find it.
Anybody want to provide ways to distract me that do NOT involved penises? Or would that be penisi?