Living Incrementally

I was given Valium for my PET scan last week and it was a wonderful thing! I was able to go to my results appointment that afternoon without the usual nervousness and anxiety. Unfortunately, it wore off and although the results have still left me a little numb, I am faced again with one hell of a challenge to overcome.

The attempt at giving the drug 4 more weeks to “kick in” was a colossal failure. Or maybe it wasn’t, I don’t know. Colossal is kind of a strong word. However, all the tumors grew a little and another new one decided to take root adjacent to my bladder. Perhaps the drug has slowed down the growth but still I’m not stable and they certainly haven’t shrunk.

So we face another new chapter. One which involves a consult with a surgeon on Friday. That scar from my sternum to my pubic bone is going to be reopened and I’m going to be stapled back together again. I’m still wishing someone would come up with a surgical zipper so that each time I go in it makes it just a little easier. The surgeries get more complicated each time because of the adhesions from the previous ones. In this case the THREE previous.

Everyone keeps asking how I’m doing and I’m not sure I really have an answer. Though there are moments when I feel I’m unraveling, I am really just numb. Most of the time. At others, I look out the window and see D2 working in the yard next to her dad and she seems so competent and it throws me a little. Inside though, I am so thankful that there are ways she no longer needs me.

I watch D1 go about her days and am in awe how grown up she is. She went to prom last month and that felt huge. Being here for that milestone was something I can’t quite describe so I won’t even try.

D3 is on a quest for as many cool hairstyles as she can find and suddenly they all require my help. She will be in the middle of homework and look up and ask me a question not homework related but about surgery or the next drug. I know that cancer is on her mind.

The problem is, we’re not sure what that next drug will be. I have an idea but it’s so similar to the one I was on previously that I don’t know how much faith I have in it. So I simply look ahead as far as the surgery, as this month I only looked towards the scan on the 25th.

Since January I have lived in bits and pieces. To the arrival of the new drug, to the follow-up scan, and then the PET scan and now surgery. I will spend May living one band concert, solo day and field trip at a time. I’m not sure I remember how to look very far ahead. I am suddenly a little afraid to hope.

My neighbor made a comment about me being pessimistic about my PET scan. She said it as if I was at fault for the results but I won’t accept the blame! I was realistic because I’ve learned what cancer feels like. I know the difference between a hot flash and night sweats from tumor growth. We all do.

Since January, SG has been finding places he needs me to take him right before lunch time. He takes the bus to work but seems to need me to run him around town more than usual. Each time the task is completed, he asks me if I’m in the mood to grab a little lunch. I’ve gained 12 pounds since that first scan when we found out Nexavar had stopped working. He’s ok with that – he says I need to gain a little weight before surgery. At this rate they won’t be able to find the tumors in all the extra lunches, but we are finding the time together where we can and that’s really all that matters.

I’m not at all sure what’s ahead. Last time a drug failed, two more drugs and two surgeries quickly followed. I’m not sure I’m as strong as I was 4 years ago but as I’ve said before, I’ll say ok to anything that keeps me here for my family. Though they seem to be needing me less, I know they’re not ready for me to leave.

So I won’t.

8 thoughts on “Living Incrementally

  1. Our children’s needs just shift as they get older. They want and need us forever. I’m not sure what your neighbors point is…you seem to be handling challenges (aka wtf situations) with more grace than most can muster. I pray that whatever the next step is, you can feel and see the positive results.

    • Thank you! We’ll know what the next step is on Friday. At least that’ll feel like progress. Not sure what my neighbor’s point was either but I’m wondering if maybe YOU might like to move in next door?

      • I live in NYC but would love a smart, sensitive, strong neighbor! I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been going with a friend’s daughter (they live far away) for her radiation treatments, begun 1 year after chemo did nothing to stop the progression of breast cancer. Stronger chemo will be the 2nd step. I see first hand how she is starting to lose patience/fear the unknown, but is staying strong for her young children and husband, who just began a new job. I don’t want to shock your delicate ears but can tell you that really bad words often cross my lips in regard to these situations. I think of you very frequently…always with a big, giant prayer.

  2. Your strength was glaringly apparent by your news update. Although we haven’t met beyond the keyboard and screen, you have me and my prayers behind you ~ oh, and my candle too!

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