26.2

Have i told you about the time I was going to walk a marathon as a way to tell cancer to fuck off but then it told me to fuck off instead? And then I had surgery 2 months before marathon day so I did a 10k instead?

I think I did.

Did I also tell you I looked like hell warmed over and when a friend saw my commemorative 10k photo he said, “I love races where they hand out meth at the checkpoints”?

I may have.

Did I tell you I registered for another one this year? That I have to walk 26.2 miles in October? Because I don’t run. I never have. My boobs are too big and I don’t like it. So I walk.

Well I did.

And I’m nervous.

The first time I signed up, there were several of us doing it so it felt like a group event. I was excited and scared and happy all at once. I was going to get to spend the weekend with dear old friends AND prove myself and the world that I was healthy enough to doing something of that magnitude.

And then I had a CT and found out that my drug failed me and that I wouldn’t be proving anything to anybody.

It was a lot harder than I let anyone know. One of my friends was just getting her life coach business going so she arranged weekly group phone calls to track our progress and give each other encouragement. Except I wasn’t walking. I’d had close to a dozen tumors removed as well as a hysterectomy. All I could do was listen and try not to cry so that my friends wouldn’t know that I hated those calls.

I hated the reminder that I was so much less than. Less than I was when they knew me so well. Less than I’d hoped I could be.

These were people I loved, whom I’d known way before I was his wife or their mom. I didn’t want them to suspect that each time I looked at my watch and knew it was time for the call, I’d get sick to my stomach.

But I think they did. They kept telling me I was doing my own kind of marathon with the surgery and drug change but it wasn’t the same.

Three years later I’ve registered again, to much less fanfare.

But to me it’s still huge. And daunting.

My life saver and the highlight of the event is that D1 is going to walk it with me. It’s not something I’d have imagined her doing but in addition to the draw of Voodoo Donuts, I think she wants to see that other side of me. She says I always seem like I have so much fun there and I do. It dawned on me as she said that, that perhaps she hasn’t often seen the relaxed side of me. She sees the uptight exhausted mom. This time we’re working on borderline healthy mom.

We will get to be in a crowd of thousands who don’t know, or care, that I have cancer. We will be doing something only healthy people do. I will be one of those presumed healthy people and it feels damn good!!

This weekend we did our 15 mile training walk. Next week will be 17. We’re tired and starting to question how long 26.2 actually is and it feels unreachable but I think we’ll be ok.

For D1 it will be the draw of chocolate milk at the finish line, the Voodoo donuts and the chance to just get away from school and volleyball and marching band practice. A weekend she really needs to relax!

For me it’s a 2nd chance to prove I’m strong enough. My next scan will be 3 weeks before the marathon and no matter what it shows, I’m going! I will prove that this isn’t too much for me. I will deal with the rest, if there is anything, when we get back.

Whatever our motivation differences, I’m glad we’ll be doing it together.

And G, if you’re reading this, how about coming just to hang out? We’ll share our chocolate milk!

Hey Mikey, I like them!

School started today for my youngest two. It’s freshman only today at the high school so D1, who is a sophomore this year, is still home one more day but she’s asleep and it feels like it’s just me and the dogs.

Usually I put the girls on the bus, pour myself some coffee, put my feet up and rejoice but today I’m not there.  It turns out I didn’t want them to go. Weird right? I completely baffled.

Somewhere along the way this summer we went from “OMG, when are you going back to school?” (on around day 4) to “Wow, you guys kind of rock!”

They’ve gone from little girls I take care of to young ladies, if you’ll forgive the term from the 1800′s, who are great company. On days like this I am so thankful to have gotten to be here to see it.

Sure there were times they were arguing, as sisters do, and I wanted to send them to Grandma’s for a month or two but the days I wanted to keep them seemed to outnumber the others by far.

We’ve raised some pretty awesome people!!

I’m not saying I’ve never liked or enjoyed time with my children, you all know they’re my life, but I am saying our relationship had evolved. I’m no longer just that caregiver who gets tired. We look out for each other. Maybe it’s always been that way but something is different.

I realize I’m making little sense. Like I said, I’m baffled. Thank you for humoring me.

I don’t know how long this will last. I’m sure I’ll get used to the quiet soon and be back to enjoying my time alone but for now I’m tempted to go wake D1 and make her talk to me.

I’m sure that’ll go over well.

 

 

 

Kitten mom

It would appear daughter #2 would like me to lower or delete any and all expectations I have for her academically.

If a Tiger Mom pushes her children, she would like me to go in the exact opposite direction. So what would that make me? Kitten mom? Tiny rodent mom? Webkinz mom?

She brought home a letter from her teacher yesterday telling us she’d been placed in an advanced math class for next year. Fantastic news, right?!

She handed it to me with a smile on her face, seemingly so proud of herself. She’s struggled at times over the years, mostly because she lacks confidence in her abilities and has a bit of test anxiety. So yay!! Advanced math class based on her performance this year and placement testing! Wahoo!

Being the multi-tasking scanner that I am, I skipped right to the bottom of the page where I noticed a parent signature was required. As I grabbed a pen, she yelled “Wait! Mom, what box did you check?”

Box? Ok, maybe I should go back and actually read it.

Section with great news? Check

Section with guidelines/expectations for students placed in this class? Check

Box where I decline placement and opt for regular class? Wait, what?

It turns out we were given 2 options:

Option #1 – Yes, I would like my child to participate in the 7th grade advanced math class.

Option #2 – No, I would prefer my child be placed in Course 2, the regular 7th grade math curriculum.

Really??

Guess which one she wants? Guess which box we’re going to check?

If you guessed that they aren’t the same, you’d be correct.

Why would I do that? SG is a scientist at the university level and sees first hand how weak the math skills of the incoming students are. Hell, the math skills of some of the grad students aren’t much better.

THIS is the age to finely hone those skills and give her the base she needs later on. Like he soooooo often says, math is everywhere. We battled the principal with D3′s 2nd grade teacher to give her the opportunity to walk up a grade to math class each day. We’re currently trying to work out details of her doing middle school math the last year of elementary school.

D2 knows this. So why the heck would she think we’d say, “it’s ok honey, we’ll let you do math below your skill level”?

I’m thinking they’ll place her in a lower level logic course.

Despite the lapse in judgement, can I just say how proud we are of her? She’s come a long way from our shy little girl who wouldn’t speak up and cried every day of 1st grade.

We know she can do it and I think, she does too. It’s the convincing that’s going to take some work.

A perfect excuse – or is it?

D1 said something last week that is sticking with me. Something that she blurted out with no hesitation – even in front of her friend.

I’ll get to what it was in a minute but a little history first. The elementary school the girls go/went to is a very crunchy granola peace love and understanding kind of place. Which is great! We love it there.  They have a wonderful “peace choir”, they do marvelous earth day programs and the are well-known among the other schools for the great music program.

That said, we’ve been there for 10 years. Ten years of programs, many of them the same. Over and over until the words come back to haunt you in the dead of night. When my patient wonderful loving husband says the music teacher is a loon and he’ll likely die if he hears another Indonesian Gamelan concert, you know it’s bad.

So let’s go back to last week. D3 knew there was an Earth Day program and opted not so sign up for it. She thought she was in the clear. The poor thing has been going to these things since she was 1. She didn’t want to do another, she didn’t sign up. End of story right? Wrong.

Turns out the head Peace Choir lady is also a 4th grade teacher so she decided that ALL of the 4th graders should participate by being in the background choir. D3 was pissed!!!! But, good parents that we are, we bought our earplugs and told her to suck it up and go.

We won’t even get into the part where she stood in the back row frowning and barely mouthed the words. This isn’t her story.

This is about D1. While on the drive back from Cultural Cooking club (I know), she asked what our plans were for that night. I reminded her about her sister’s program and the audible groans began. As well as the laughter from her friend in the back seat because she didn’t have to attend.

Then the excuses started.

I can’t go because:

I have too much homework.

I have to practice my piece for the state music festival.

I think I have a fever.

Someone should stay with the dogs.

While I shared her pain, I shot down them all and reminded her how many concerts/programs her sisters have had to attend for her. Then she hit me with this:

Mom, can’t we use your cancer as an excuse to get out of it?

Ok first, it surprised me that she’d just blurt out the C-word like that in front of her friend.

Second, my cancer is generally the motivator that pushes me to go to these things even when I don’t feel well. Six years ago I didn’t know how many of these events I’d live to see. Each one is precious and just because D3 is on the tail end of these things, and she’s as tired of them as we are, doesn’t make it any it any less important to see each one.

Lastly, is she really trying to benefit from my cancer? Is her silver lining that it gets us out of stuff? Honestly, I can see that.

It was a week ago but I keep going back to it. I keep hearing her voice in my head and I can’t help but wonder if I really have used the cancer excuse too many times. I know I haven’t for anything major but what of the small stuff? Have I skipped too many trips to the pool or downtown events that SG has taken then to while I rested? I didn’t think so until now.

The other thing that bothers me, that is out of my control, is that she’s so desensitized to my cancer that she just blurts things out about it at will. This is the girl who used to not want me to bring it up because it’s “awkward”. She’s acutely aware that it makes people uncomfortable yet she has no issue saying that in front of her friend.

Is guess maybe that’s a good thing? She doesn’t see it as a big deal anymore? I know it’s become routine for me. Just another fact of life. The way things are and will continue to be since my treatment will never end. At least not unless we run out of treatments, then the rest is irrelevant.

So tell me my friends. Is this a good thing? Has it become a non-issue? I explained to her that the cancer is what makes me go, not what prevents me from it. I even told her why – that I’ve never known how many I’ll get to see.

She gets that but she still hates the “We’re one small voice” song.

I’ll give her that one.

She’s so much smarter than I ever was….or will be.

Yesterday I was driving D1 home from school and she started telling me about Valentine’s Day – the high school version:

Mom, you wouldn’t believe it at school right now, it’s crazy!

Why? What’s going on?

Every single club, and I mean EVERY. SINGLE. ONE, is trying to make money off the whole Valentine’s Day scam thing!

Scam thing??

Yeah, every corner you turn has some table set up trying to sell chocolates or flowers. They’re even offering lunch-for-two in the cafeteria. They actually wait on you and of course you have to do it because if you don’t and somebody else does it’s going to make you look bad. It’s like they’re all competing for your Valentine guilt money!

You’re pretty smart, you know that?

I got it from Dad.

Of course you did.

M and I have to go around and get signatures for Amnesty International. If they sign the petition, they get a free chocolate. Even that’s pretty sneaky don’t you think?

It kind of is. So, did you send anything to anybody?

Yeah, the Latin club had these amazing chocolates. They were 8 for $2. They’ll be delivered to ME second period? I wanted some so why should I wait for somebody else to do it?

Like I said my friends – sooo much smarter than me! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Orchestra festival Day 1 – Mom I’m sick

You know how your daughter goes away for an orchestra festival and you think she’s all grown up and doesn’t need you anymore?  No? Well picture it. Or read the post below this one.

This morning at 6:48am (as opposed to this morning at 6:48PM), I get this text from my beloved first-born:

Day 1: lost my voice. Took 3 ibuprofen. Now I can whisper. Apple juice just stung. I can sorta talk though.

It was inevitable since both her sisters were home sick from school last week. Luckily for me they alternated days so I never had to be alone. All freaking week. But I digress.

Anyway, I texted back and told her to eat something or that many ibuprofen would hurt her stomach. Because I care.  Actually I think the first thing I said was “if you get worse call grandma and she’ll come get you”. Then I nagged her about taking too many ibuprofen.

The point is, she still needs me and texted me because she doesn’t feel good!!

And also, how in the world did her roommates get her to get out of bed at 6:48? Can they come live with us and be her alarm clock on a daily basis?

What is it about being sick that makes you want mom? No matter how old you are, being taken care of or just getting a little sympathy from mom makes you feel better.

This is reason #679 why I won’t let this cancer get me!!

This is NOT my favorite “first”

D1 just left town. Without me. Without any of us.

She’ll be in a hotel with lord knows how many other kids and very few chaperones the next two nights. She’s had sleepovers with friends over the years but she’s never hung out in a hotel 200 miles from Mama! I don’t like it.

The good news is she’s in my hometown no more than a mile from my parents’ house should she need anything. She’s got grandma on speed dial 3.

She plays oboe in the city youth symphony and it’s what she loves more than anything else. They’re at a state orchestra festival and will be rehearsing hours each day before nightly concerts. She’s going to be over scheduled and have so much fun that I doubt she’ll be ready to come back.

I was a teen once, I can appreciate how much fun she’ll have.  I’m happy for her but I also know how teens act in hotels. I’ve been there, done that and am just grateful it was before cell phone cams and facebook. She’s a good kid and I trust her but damn, is she really at this point in life already? How did we get from first teeth and first steps to first nights in a hotel without me?

It’s only a tiny glimpse into the independence she’ll soon have in huge quantities – and it’s a small warm-up for me before she leaves me for an even bigger trip. Spring 2013 she’s going to Japan with her highschool band for a week.

I’ll let you know when you need to start talking me down from that one!

Good cop, Bad cop

If you had been in the car with SG and me yesterday, you would have heard the following sentence uttered with great conviction:

“I really think it’s time the girls graduate, move out and get on with their lives.”

Mostly likely you will assume that I am the one who said that. The one who, after 2 too many snow days had begun to lose my mind. To regret the decision not eat our young.

You would be wrong.

It was SG – aka Mr Wonderful. The favored parent. The one who loves all things child related. The one who creates projects at will and treasures every freaking waking second with the fruit of his loins.

HE is the one ready for them to grow up and move out.

I am the one who laughed at his obvious pain when I broke it to him that our youngest is still in elementary school and will be with us for some time yet.

It gives me great pleasure to hear him say things like that and know that sometimes, just sometimes, I am the nice parent!

Dear Congress, You guys are dumbasses! Sincerely, Me

So it appears it takes an act of Congress to get me to write a post these days. No, this blog post was not tucked into a highway bill and it was not sponsored by any major corporation! No lobbying was done on my behalf.

It’s this whole pizza sauce as a vegetable thing – yes I realize it’s not a new rule. It’s been part of the nutritional guidelines all along but dammit, this would have been the time to change it. Revamp the guidelines into something that helps our kids, not hurts them.

No, I don’t expect the government to be in charge of feeding our  kids but I do expect some sort of accountability to them. Accountability to the health and well-being of the future generations.

I DO NOT expect them to sell out to ConAgra and Sysco and other makers of refined processed crap!

We are fortunate enough to be able to afford to put fresh fruits and veggies in our daughters’ lunches, but there are so many families who rely on free or reduced cost lunches to feed their children. What about them? What about their  nutritional needs? Do they not deserve high value foods just because they can’t afford to supply it themselves?

This is not about big government reaching into our families, or telling us what to eat, it is about COMMON SENSE!

The CDC estimates about 17 percent — or 12.5 million — of children between the ages of 2 and 19 are obese. But it’s not only about obesity. It’s about what we put in our children’s bodies.

For me, it’s also about trying to make sure that they don’t end up like me. No I’m not saying my cancer came from processed foods. My mom was a good cook who made almost every meal from scratch but the fact remains, I don’t know where it came from.

There is no certainty but I do know for sure that when I read the ingredients on packaged processed foods, most of them are chemically based. They are preservatives and additives and fake colors. They’re chemicals my chemist husband advises against ingesting.

It’s about improving the odds, decreasing the number of carcinogens we feed our children and trying like hell of protect them. Because of my drugs, anytime I eat something processed, my body says “NO, get this out of me!”  It recognizes that this is not anything I should be ingesting. I can tell which restaurants in town use fresh ingredients. It’s that simple. My children rejected school lunches years ago because every time they tried them, they felt sick afterwards. Again, it’s that simple. Our bodies know.

Yes, even the fresh stuff can have bad things in them – wash your apples people – but if we’re going to play the odds, I’d rather do it with an apple than tomato paste. There has to be a connection. There are so more people, from my perspective, who have cancer than they did when I was young. So many more parents leaving their kids or watching them go through treatment.

THERE IS A CONNECTION! It needs to be recognized. I’m not saying if you feed your children a frozen pizza from time to time you’re giving them cancer. Please don’t think I am. I do it too. Those $5 hot and ready pizzas are so appealing on busy days. But it’s about balance. It’s about not encouraging the substitution of chemicals for real food as congress had done.

It’s about not sacrificing the health of our children for special interests!

At some point, if they’re going to encourage feeding our children crap, screw the environment and the air they breathe, and only look out for their pocket books, politicians needs to be held accountable. Not because government should tell us what to do but because they are the ones with the power to change the guidelines. They are the ones we elect to make decisions on our behalf. OUR behalf, not the lobbyists.

Today I’m saying you screwed up! The welfare of our children was in front of you and you chose to ignore it, to give into millions of lobbying dollars. Most of you leave office as millionaires because you give in more often than not.

Congress, you guys suck!!

 

 

Taking the FUN out of fundraising

Alright so I’m not a big fan of school fundraising but hey, at least I get some nice wrapping paper out of the deal. Or a pizza kit, or chocolate.

But last week D1 brought home some forms for a fundraiser for volleyball. You know what it involves? Nothing.

People get nothing. We ask for cash, if we’re lucky they say no, if not they say go to hell. She’s supposed to bring in a minimum of 10 donations and a minimum of $100.  They are saying they won’t accept less than 10 donations. Guess what? It’s not going to happen.

We will write a check for 1 donation of $100 even though we don’t really have it because nobody else has excess cash to just give away either. We won’t let her go asking for money without offering something in return.

Is it just me or is that a crappy message to send out there?

I feel like the kids should learn a better lesson than that. Sure selling things is hard but it’s a give and take. They learn that they have to work a little for their money.

This way all they learn is to expect cash for doing absolutely nothing.

I’m thinking most kids are already pros at that!

In other news, does anybody want to buy a magazine subscription to send the high school band to Japan? Oy!