My 3 daughters went back to school this week. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s not that I don’t love them or want to be with them, it’s just that I’m a better mom when they aren’t here 24/7. Sad but true. When the school bus pulls away I take a deep breath and know that when they get home I’ll have more energy to be the mom they deserve. A friend once said that by the end of the summer, the sound of her children fighting is like having a tiny woodpecker sitting on the back of her head pecking all day. That little pecker has camped out on my scalp!
Our house is small but I suspect that even if we lived in a McMansion, we’d all be in the same room anyway. We seem to follow each other around. I kick them outside but they always come back and let’s face it, there are only so many times you can go to the water park before even that starts to get a little boring. Summer is great because they got a much needed break from school and had some fun camps but I think school is a much needed break from each other. At the end of the day I’m happy to see them get off the bus and I like that side of me better. They’re in better moods and the evening goes much smoother than when we spend the entire day together. I have great admiration (if a complete lack of understanding) for home school parents but I know that I’ll never be one of them.
I screwed up. I started a blog in the spring but I made a mistake and told a couple people in my real life…then they told 2 people and they told 2 people and you know the rest. So I took the dr.’s advice (also known as my husband) and decided on a fresh start this fall. Now if I could only figure out how to delete the old one so I’m untraceable incognito mom!
My goal 3 months ago was a place where I could be uncensored by the need to reassure everyone about my cancer. Where I could get mad and not keep the positive attitude required of every cancer patient out there. Honestly, that’s the most exhausting part of being sick – making other people ok with it. I need to save that energy for my children. They are 3 amazing people who need me to be here to see them grow up. To provide fodder for their phones calls to each other later in life that begin with, “Mom did what????” And I need to save it to be here with my husband because if losing me will devastate him even half as much as losing him would me, then I can’t do that to him. So that frustration, anger and anxiety have to go somewhere and I happened to pick a blog. When too many of those people I already reassure started reading the 1st one, it became another place to censor myself and the energy drain began. That’s why we’re already on blog number 2 and why I’ll take the advice of my favorite blogger Marinka and keep it to myself. Well except for all of you….if there are any of you.
So perhaps a clean starts requires an intro – I’m a stay at home mom to 3, wife to 1 (because I’m not into that kinky shit), and the bearer of the occasional stray tumor caused by something called gastrointestinal stromal tumor or GIST which was diagnosed 4 yrs ago. That’s why I’m at home…..because I’ve been through too many treatment changes and 2 surgeries in the past year when the first magic pill stopped working. I feel crappy most of the time. Regular chemo doesn’t work so I take daily pills otherwise known as “targeted therapy”. It makes me cranky. You will hear me bitch about it but I’ll try to keep it to a minimum. My attitude sometimes sucks, I don’t believe being perpetually positive will cure anything so I allow myself to get pissed off from time to time. I’m pretty sure no one had tumor growth because they just weren’t happy enough about their diagnosis. But in the end, that’s not who I am deep down. I think I’m usually fairly upbeat and perhaps even entertaining from time to time so that’s likely how I’ll try to write. But on the off days….consider yourselves warned.