I’m afraid that some days my posts will suck – I’m sorry for that. Today is one of them. It should be a happy post because I got fantastic news today that a friend of mine is cancer free. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in March and had surgery in May to remove about 2/3 of her right lung. She just completed her rounds of chemo and called to say her PET scan is completely clear. No more surgery, no more scans, just a 3 month appointment in December. I am so happy for her. It’s the best news ever! She’s been my friend for 20 years and I love her. So why did I immediately nose dive into a funk?
I think I slipped into self-pity mode. I’m jealous, plain and simple. And tired – after 4 1/2 years of fighting this, I’m tired. Yes, I realize I also had a good scan this week. But not a clear one….that’s the way it is. My friend had to get off the phone because her boyfriend came over and she had to tell him the good news. I know I’ll never do that. I’ll never get to meet my husband at the door and say “honey, i’m cured”. Partly because he goes to all my appointments with me, partly because that will never happen. It’s not curable. I’ll never get to say I’m done. I’ll never feel good and be energetic because the only way I’m done with these fucking pills is if they all stop working and I’ve run out of options. At that point the “feeling good” ship will have sailed.
So, yeah. I’m in selfish mode and all that’s part of it but the real reason? She hasn’t quit smoking yet. She has a clean bill of health and a second chance and she’s still smoking. Yes, I know it’s hard to quit but shouldn’t missing most of a lung be a motivator? She has opportunity to do what she needs to do to keep herself cancer free. I don’t have that control. My body will decide when it builds resistance to the next drug. I. Have. No. Control.
In the end that’s what it all comes down to. And yes, I know that nobody can really say what’s going to happen next. We have no guarantees. I learned that the hard way at 37 with 3 small children. But dammit if there was any way at all that I could take charge of this thing and do anything I could to keep it from growing you can bet your ass I’d be doing it. Damn her for not truly appreciating the 2nd chance she’s been given. Damn me for not being a better friend and just being happy for her.
This was not the post I’d intended to write but there it is. I had to get it out because if I don’t, I lose it in front of the kids and that’s just not an option.