Back Off Little Varmint!


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So now that I’ve told you I’m from Montana, I’m debating whether or not I should tell you D2 got bit by a squirrel today. I have this fear that you’ll all begin to suspect my family tree doesn’t branch or that I’m FB friends with the Unibomber.

But alright I’ll go ahead and tell you that it’s been one of those days. I left the house and left everything I needed on the counter. We were at the gym with no water bottles, D2 had her new remote control car but I left the controller behind, the car smelled like something crawled in the engine and died, and we were late to meet Science Guy.

When we got to the gym we found it full with a lunchtime pickup game so we headed across campus for snacks. Because well, doesn’t everybody substitute exercise with dark chocolate covered Rold Gold pretzels? D2 got peanuts and promptly wanted to find squirrels.

I’d like to preface the rest of the story with the fact that SG was the parent in charge at the time of the rodent assault.

I was still inside with the other two because D1 wanted to finish her ice cream before heading out into the -10 windchill. She’s difficult that way. SG said he’d take D2 with him and we’d meet him there.

Five minutes later they were back. D2 looked upset and yelled something that sounded a lot like, “MOM, the barrel shit my dingle!!”

What?? I don’t know if it was because I was crunching on my pretzels or what but that made absolutely no sense to me. Um, whose barrel did what and watch your mouth!

Then I saw the blood dripping on the floor and remembered she’d headed out with a sack full of peanuts. Oh….the squirrel bit your finger??

The little furry fucker drew blood!! Lots of it. Turns out she had a tiny peanut between the tips of her fingers and the squirrel missed and got her. Not sure what she was thinking or why there wasn’t any parental intervention. Did he really not see that coming??

She was then washed, rinsed, anti-bacterialized, and band-aided. I think she’s had all her rodent disease prevention shots but I’m keeping an eye on that finger anyway. It’s been cleaned several times since. I’m like Madge the Palmolive lady but with hydrogen peroxide.

In other news, SG reports she sent the offending rodent flying. She was so shocked and mad it bit her that she flung it full force off her finger and she’s strong! It was nowhere near her when it landed – on its feet – and ran away.*

I’m not sure if my little animal lover is done feeding the wildlife or not but you can bet she’ll be tossing food instead of feeding it out of her hand.  

* No rodents were harmed in the telling of this story but only because it got away before I could find it. And yes, I know we aren’t really supposed to be feeding the wildlife but it’s not like those morons in Yellowstone who try to feed and pet bears. You know, the dead morons? These are squirrels who are fed out of dorm windows. They’re tough little guys.


4 thoughts on “Back Off Little Varmint!

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