Tooth Tales

Wow, I don’t know what to write about first. Do I tell you how I killed the tooth fairy? Or how I sunk to a new low and played the cancer card at the pediatric dentist? Or maybe how SG called the tooth fairy names?

It’s a veritable smorgasbord orgasbord of bad parenting topics to cover this morning.

Let’s start with how I felt so guilty about forgetting to get the girls in for 6 month cleaning (it turned into an 18 month cleaning) that I immediately started making excuses for D2’s cavity when we walked into the dentist’s office.

They said “Good morning, how are you?”

And I said, “I’d have gotten her in sooner but I had 2 surgeries in 8 months and then I started a new drug that makes me really tired because well, I have cancer. Do you like my new headband? It covers my bald spots. You know, the ones I didn’t try to hide so I’d look worse? Did I mention I have cancer? Because I’d have totally gotten her here sooner if I was at all healthy. But I’m not.”

Lord knows what else I would have come with up had they actually commented on the delay in cleaning appointments. That was a new low but it worked. I may use it again.

Then, first thing this morning, D2 walked up to the kitchen counter, put her tooth fairy box with the tooth in it and said “You forgot to give me money”.

I said “No, the tooth fairy forgot. I’m sure it was the bad weather on the east coast because you know, she goes there 1st since it’s later. I’m sure she’ll make it up to you tonight!”

SG said “That tooth fairy is a stupid son-of-a-bitch!”

We’re classy parents that way. This is even better because he doesn’t ever swear around the kids.  But man, that damn tooth fairy really pissed us off.

In all honesty though, when our tooth fairy started giving scratch off lottery tickets, the gig was pretty much up.

I followed all this up by zoning out this morning when the kids were getting ready for school. I didn’t give D1 time updates to keep her moving – because you know, 14 yr olds can’t tell time on their own. Even with a nice watch on her wrist.

So by the time she was at the front door saying “mom, can you hand me my lunch box please?”, I had to say “I don’t think that’s going to buy you enough time. Your bus is at the corner.”

She tried to use  the tried and true “but I was making my bed just like you want me to” card. It doesn’t work as well as the cancer card.

It was a nice drive down in the fog.

I don’t know how June Cleaver did it.


6 thoughts on “Tooth Tales

  1. You and SG are super-classy! Love it! I’m glad to see D2 knows her stuff though. Let’s be real, right?! I spent my first Christmas with the future in-laws and my fiance still says he gets stuff from Santa (mostly though, to mock his mom who clearly by the quality of presents is Santa). Drives me nuts. I never really got into the Santa thing because A) my parents never put “From Santa” on any of my presents and B) they don’t put chimneys in most houses in LA built in the 60s, so we never had one. Thus Santa sure as hell couldn’t come and see us! I think my dad put a quarter under my pillow once, and I might have even caught him putting it there.

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