Weeks of Memories

I forgot to tell my overachieving oncology nurse not to book my next CT 5 or 6 weeks ahead of time. Hell, I just had the last one right before Christmas, it couldn’t be time again already could it?

 She wasn’t in when I went to my results appointment in December so it slipped my mind.

Until she called Friday.

Next scan March 18th @ 8:30am. A year and a day after my last surgery.

Crap.

This time of year does me in as it is. It kicks in January 27th when I remember how I tried to donate blood on that date at our elementary school blood drive and got turned down. Not a big deal in itself but in hindsight, it turns out there may have been an internal slow leak that would show up 23 days later.

Maybe it’s the dark stormy days that make it harder to get it all out of my head? Hell, I already have the post written for the 5 year anniversary of my diagnosis. I think it’s an attempt to purge my mind.

I don’t have anything else in my drafts folder but I have that.

I can be at home doing something mundane like laundry, or even nothing at all, and snippets of those horrible first days pop into my head.

I scratch my scar and flash back to packing gauze for weeks after the first surgery.

I take a pill and remember how it felt to take the first Gleevec, not knowing if it would work.

As I pass by the memo board and see my card for my next results appointment, I think about the very first one when they told me that yes, it was working.

And then I see the look on my doctor’s face when he told me it had stopped working 3 yrs later.

As I looked out over a very snowy valley this morning from our living room, I remembered my surgeon looking out my hospital room window at the new snow after he wrote the name of my cancer on the white board. Neither of us knowing what it meant.

I do all this and I wonder if there will be a year when it all fades. When the details become more fuzzy instead of crystal clear.

My posts may lack humor or lightness until after the weekend of February 19th.  I apologize for that but honestly, my mind is a very dark and lonely place right now.

Or maybe my brain will completely short out and my delirium will be amusing. I can’t predict what I’ll do in my attempt to cope.

I can tell SG is trying to distract me. He knows all too well where I go when my mind checks out this time of year. I feel him watching me and I try to put on a brave face and pretend that wasn’t what I was remembering, but he knows. He always know.

I know that he sometimes goes there too. To the day I almost left him. It’s hard to see.

He hangs onto me tighter because he promised he wouldn’t let me leave him. Even when I’m doing well, he doesn’t let go.

It seems fitting to have Valentine’s Day now, when my love and appreciation for him and our family is higher than ever.

I can’t get through the next couple weeks without them, I won’t even try.

I remember it all but I know this too shall pass.

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10 thoughts on “Weeks of Memories

  1. Hugs to you my friend,
    I think its good that we ‘own’ our dark times as well as the lighter ones. I hate that in this new journey we are on we now have ‘cancerversaries’ dates that set off the memory/emotional rollercoaster all over again.
    In case you didnt catch my tweet there is a poem i found through Susan that I think is a wonderful summing up of how we all feel – I’ve attached the link
    http://liveforlauren.org/Home.html

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