It’s Not Nice to Cough on Strangers

Dear lady on the row below me at D1’s volleyball game (and your lovely family surrounding me),

Hello, nice to see you. That’s a lovely Valentine’s shirt you’re wearing. I love the way the sunlight bounces off your nipples.

I notice you have 2 small children with you. It’s good you brought their father and grandparents along to help you this afternoon. You obviously have your hands full! Boy do I remember those days! Whew, glad they’re over!

You know, I hate to bring this up but I can see your little boy is really flushed and feverish. May I hand you a tissue out of my purse? Those things sure do come in handy. Oh look, he likes me. Isn’t that cute how he wiped his boogers on my shoulder.

Wow, that is one hell of a cough! I think I saw his little lungs pop right out of his chest. He looks exhausted and those poor runny little eyes. You know where would be a great place for him? Home in bed.

That’s a darling Valentine he’s showing me from preschool today. Oops, so close….I almost got my mouth closed before he coughed in it.

I don’t want to offend you or anything but do you think you could maybe move him over just a tad. I realize I don’t have the word immunosuppressed tattooed on my forehead. It’s not like I need to hide or avoid public or anything but the whole coughing in my face thing might be a little much.

If it wasn’t so crowded I’d love to move but you see, I have nowhere to go so maybe one of the adults with you could hold him?

He is adorable and I understand you’re tired but telling him to cover his mouth when he coughs doesn’t do much good if he’s hanging onto my leg or shoulder with both hands. He’s oh so tired. Poor baby!

You see how everyone around us is staring with genuine looks of concern when he coughs? We’re all parents, we understand what you’re going through. We also understand that maybe one of the many adults in your group could be home with him.

Oh look, the game is over. It looks like we play you again tomorrow. Maybe I’ll come a bit late and make sure I’m at the other end of the bleachers. I’ll be the feverish one with the cough. Oh wait, if I am I’ll be at home. Could you text me and let me know the score?

Thanks in advance,

Annie

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