One Thousand Eight Hundred Twenty Five Days + 3

I sit down to write this morning after a 3 day break and it’s overwhelming. I don’t know where to take this post first.

I’m almost at a loss for words when I think about the absolutely unbelievable amount of support I received Friday and over the weekend from people I’ve never met. So many of you were referred by people I do know and love – but also have never met.

This social media thing, it kind of rocks. It makes me wish I’ve had it all along. I feel better this anniversary than the past and I think it has more to do with being able to get it all out. I’m often afraid to be truly honest with the people closest to me because the looks on their faces breaks my heart. Ironically, I write it here because I worry about making them cry but from the comments left on my anniversary post, I made some of you cry instead. Sorry about that!

So much of battling this damn disease is making the people around you feel better about it and that’s ok. In the end, it’s harder on my caregivers and the people who love me. They will be the ones left behind. I have the easy part.

Thank you all so much for allowing my words into your homes! For letting me tell you my story, for receiving it so well and for the tweets and links! I know there will be more posts like that one as I continue to struggle through the drug changes and surgeries in my future. I’d like to think there won’t be more but when you have 2 major surgeries in 7 1/2 months, it jades you a little.

I live each day knowing there is cancer in my body – I’m reminded each time I take a pill – but also knowing that I’m not alone in this fight. I have amazing people around me. People sending positive energy my way, and I want you to know I appreciate it. I don’t know who you many of you are but I’m grateful for a place to share, and look forward to getting to know you better, as hopefully I continue on a very long journey! Thank you.

Now, on to what else the weekend brought up.

The title of this post came from my youngest. First thing Saturday morning, she got out her calculator to see how many days we’ve had together since we found out I have cancer. How adorable is that? My little brainiac commemorated the day with math. Her sisters groaned. I smiled and marveled at such a big number of days that went so quickly and so painfully slow at the same time.

My oldest wanted to do something to celebrate. Mostly so we could go to her favorite mexican restaurant which we did because it’s mine too. I felt the need for a margarita and she said “Really mom? Cancer meds and tequila? Do you think that’s a good idea?” Well yeah, obviously! It’s funny how they look out for me. Or maybe it’s just a way for her to continue nagging since I didn’t listen to her 5 years ago and go to the doctor right away. Either way, I know it’s done with humor and love and I appreciate it.

D2 took a different approach. My little hospital bed partner changed the subject a lot. If the topic came up about the cancer she changed it. I don’t blame her a bit. She’s the one going through the loss of her friend’s mother. It’s too fresh for her. She needs the security not the unknown. At the end of the day though, when we sat down to watch a movie, she sat next to me. Leaned on me. That warm little body against my leg 5 yrs later.

SG kept wanting to ditch the kids and go for coffee by ourselves. I’d already told the kids we’d go do something so I felt guilty and put him off. When we finally did have a chance to drop them off at home and go ourselves, a storm moved in and we barely made it up the hill to get home so we stayed put. That was ok. He was fine with it. We spent some time alone on Sunday –  even buying me a beautiful necklace to mark the occasion. I love that guy! But you already know that.

I can’t even begin to tell you how many directions my brain was going on Saturday. If I’d been at the computer, you’d have gotten a 4000 word post. As it is, I’ve forgotten a lot of them. But there are things I remember.

I’m thankful for my family and every day with them.

I’m impressed with the way the girls have handled it all but worry about what’s next and how it will affect them in the long run. No child should get out a calculator to see how many extra days she’s gotten with her mom!

I’m sorry they haven’t had the fun energetic mom they deserve. These drugs that keep me here make me so bone-jarringly tired. I try to keep up but so many days I can’t do it.

I regret the number of times I’ve had to say no when SG takes them somewhere and they ask say “Is mom coming too?” I vow to try to decrease the no’s and push through a yes more often.

I recognize how important it is to be present in their days. Less distracted by life, dark thoughts and of course, the internet (sorry).

Because I have no idea when I’ll next have to tell them the tumors are growing again (that was the hardest part of the last 2 years), I will try to make cancer less present in our daily lives. I know it’s there but I’m going to try to move it farther into the background if that’s possible. It’s not a focus but it is there. We all know it.

At the same time, I will continue to be honest with them. It’s hard balance.

I’m thankful so have such an amazing partner by my side. I’ve heard of women whose husbands leave because the cancer is too much for them to deal with. I don’t really get that but there it is. SG is the source of the strength I’m afraid I wouldn’t have without him.

I’m not as strong as you all give me credit for. I think I misrepresented how “fine” I am, but I’m working on it.

I was reminded by all of you in your comments that each day is a gift to be appreciated. Many of you thanked me for the reminder but I have to also thank you for reminding ME! That entered my mind so much as I spent the Saturday just hanging out with my family.

In the chaos of life and the fog of side effects from meds, I far too often forget myself, to be appreciative. I complain about not feeling well or mourning the loss of my old life, and sometimes I need so just stop and be grateful of this new life. The one I still get to have.

1825 days and counting.


5 thoughts on “One Thousand Eight Hundred Twenty Five Days + 3

  1. Oh my gosh you’ve done it again – reduced me to tears! I seriously need to just grab the tissues before clicking over! (just kidding!) I love that reminder to be grateful for what I have – it’s something I really try to do every single day.

    I’m so happy you are getting so much support through social media and blogging and your friends and family. Support makes even the unbearable, bearable.

    I don’t know if I said it on your previous post, but your ability to inject humor into such a serious subject is amazing. I don’t know you, but I know that you’re amazing too!

    And you’re so right – bloggers are just awesome, aren’t they/we? I wish I had known about blogs when I was pregnant and dealing with complications my friends hadn’t heard of – I’m sure there were bloggers out there talking about them!

    • Thank you – and if I forgot to tell you before – thanks for the link Friday! One thing my post did was lead me to some awesome people. Another thing to be grateful for right?

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