Someone, I’m not sure who (because I am too lazy to look) commented that I should do a 2nd I am post after my first but I haven’t had anything more to add – until now. You might have noticed I haven’t said much of anything lately. Here’s why:
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…..I AM – the bitchy cancer patient edition
I am tired. I am worn out. I am needing to type.
I am surrounded by people who love me but I am alone in my battle. In my darkest hours, I am alone. I am stuck in the quiet and afraid to admit how much I wish I could stop taking this drug for fear of jinxing myself and causing it to stop working.
I am afraid it will keep working.
I am always nauseous and my muscles are gone. I am afraid to leave the house for fear of not being near a bathroom.
I am sad.
I used to be proud of my long hair. Now, I am embarrassed to show the short curls. To let the thin spots show. I am not happy that this is how I look now. I am the mad photo deleter. I am a fan of digital cameras.
I am ashamed for not being grateful for my life every single day. For feeling sorry for myself and for whining. I am reminded how this could end when someone on the support group site dies. I do not want that.
I am not doing as well as I’d like you to think.
I am worried the people I love will find this blog and feel betrayed by my lie of omission. I am aware that if they do, I will never write with this level of honesty again.
If you have, I am sorry. Sorry for not having the strength to tell you my thoughts to your face. I am hoping never to hurt you with my words.
But for now you haven’t and I am grateful.
And I am so so very tired. Of it all.
I am wishing I’d appreciated the healthy days. I am wishing I could be the energetic, patient parent my children deserve. I am wishing to feel good again.
I am sore and crampy and weak. I am not fond of the mirror because I can see I am aging quickly. This is not who I wanted to be.
I am wondering why the muscle loss caused my thighs to migrate down around my knees. I am avoiding shorts.
I am frustrated with myself for my moods. I am not as thankful for this treatment as I should be. I am a lover of hot baths and long hot showers but now they hurt my hands and feet so I have to avoid them.
I am pissed.
I am tired and I am pissed. Those are 2 things I know.
I am pissed. Pissed I am. I do not like green eggs and ham.
I am aware of SG listening to me type and know he is wondering what I am telling you. I am sorry for what I am doing to his life. I am so glad to have found him but so guilty for turning his life upside down with my cancer.
I am sad that I am again writing about a cancer funk.
I am sorry.