Broken keys broken heart

*** UPDATE: She rocked it!!! I was chatting with the fine arts director before hand and mentioned her bassoon needed a key or two repaired. Turns out it was bent and he fixed it. She played pretty much flawlessly! Not a wrong note in the whole song. The adjudicator commented that her timing and dynamics were amazing – especially at this level. Yeah, that’s MY girl!!! (The one with the psycho mom with hives) ***

Alright I lied. I said I’d be too busy to write but I was wrong….haha….get it? Write but wrong. Yeah, I need more coffee. Or a whole lot less.

Actually I’m back because it’s one of those “if I write, maybe I’ll chill out” sort of mornings.

I’m worried about D2 and I can’t focus on anything else. I tried eating the leftover fudge from the batch I made for teacher appreciation week. I made a coffee run. I did another load of laundry. None of it took my mind off my beautiful little redhead. I’m really wired though.

It’s solo day for 5th graders and she has to play her bassoon for an adjudicator. In front of classmates and parents. It’s terrifying me, not because I don’t have confidence in her, but because she lacks confidence in herself.

To make matters worse, she missed both meetings with the band director this week because she was sick and then had a field trip.

The whole sick thing doesn’t help since breathing is handy when you’re playing an instrument. Especially one as difficult as the bassoon. Oh, and did I mention it’s a school rental and a couple of the keys are sticking?

No matter how much she practices, a couple of the notes just don’t sound right because of the keys. It needs to be repaired but it won’t go back until the end of the month. Too late for her solo.

If it were one of the other girls, it wouldn’t concern me as much but this is my kiddo who has never had the faith in herself no matter how much we tell her she rocks.

Where D1 and D3 turned to me the first day of kindergarten and said “I got this mom”, she wanted me to walk her to her line most of the school year. Days that I helped in class she’d ask me to go to recess with her and she’d hold my hand through the whole thing. Even now she runs right up to me on the playground even if she won’t kiss me goodnight anymore.

I remember one day watching kids on the playground when she was in about 3rd grade. I looked across the field trying to find her from the window and I saw her standing all by herself, too shy to ask anyone to play. These are the things going through my head today.

 Or at the end of 3rd grade when they filled out papers saying how their year went. Under the part where it asked the highlight of her year it said, “I made a friend.”

When she was in 1st grade she had little tears daily because she thought she should already know how to do everything and she’d panic. She was so shy her teacher jokes that when she finally got talkative one day around Christmas time, she didn’t recognize her voice in class.  

This teacher was amazing. When D2 was panicking because she had to “write a book” the first couple months of 1st grade, her teacher worked with her and convinced her she could do a picture ABC animal book.

She’s my artist – always has been and that is the one place she will express herself. Her giraffe drawings were so good, the teacher showed them at parent night and told her about how much we all loved it. She has a huge stunning smile and it was ear to ear that day. Unfortunately, she can’t draw her way out of this solo.

Her lack of confidence has improved a little over the years but it has been hard to watch.  5th grade has been a better year for her but I see the doubt creeping back in this week.

She’s never volunteered to read aloud or be in the spotlight and I can tell by how quiet she is that it’s scaring her. Last night, out of the blue and from across the room, I heard her say “I’m going to sound really bad tomorrow.”

I will be there to watch and encourage and be a friendly face in the crowd but I can’t take away that fear. I can only smile and hope that somewhere in her heart today she can find the strength to get through it and that I don’t see a hint of tear because that’s where I’ll lose it and she doesn’t need that!

This sweet girl who was replaced too soon as the baby of the family, sandwiched between an amazing musician older sister (she’s had 4 more years to practice) and a younger sister in the gifted academic program, who expresses herself silently through her art, has to somehow find it in her heart to perform today.

I know she can do it. It breaks my heart that she doesn’t.

The thing is, she really is good. She’s just where her older sister was at this age and D1’s now playing oboe with the all city group. Her band teacher is thrilled with her progress and is so encouraging. The head of the double reed dept at the university met with her early on and said she has amazing potential.

The bassoon is one of the hardest instruments to play – along with the oboe. My children don’t seem to want to make it easy on themselves. D3 is talking about playing the french horn. I guess the upside is there aren’t double reeds with that one but still.

I will smile through my nervousness today and cheer the loudest when she makes it to the end. My heart will break with any missed notes but we will do this.

She can do this and so can I. This kind of day is the reason I’m still here.

So why am I such a basketcase?

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5 thoughts on “Broken keys broken heart

  1. You have 3 gifted daughters. The trifecta of a proud momma! I bet they got a lot of their gifts from you – including a sweet heart. Happy Mothers Day.

    • Thanks! I kind of think they all rock! Of course D2 pointed out that she missed a few notes but I was so proud of her I didn’t notice. I need to stop flashing back to her shy days and appreciate she’s coming into her own. 🙂
      Happy mom’s day to you too!!!

  2. I can’t believe you have all these reed players. Are you trying to torture yourself? (grin).

    I played oboe and sometimes felt like it was completely out of my control whether or not I could play the solo. There were so many variables, the least of which was that stupid double reed!

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