This is a poop-free zone!

Once upon a time I had a baby (my 2nd one) and 13 months and 5 days later I had another.

 A few days later, after many a sleepless night, still sore from pushing out that third baby, weighing in at 9lbs 6oz, I said to SG:

“SG darling, great love of my life, would you like to call and make a doctor’s appointment now or would you like me to give you a vasectomy with this butter knife after I finish making D1’s toast?”

Because he has a natural inclination to protect his manhood, he made that call and within weeks he was resting peacefully in the recliner with a bag a frozen peas placed gently on his nether regions. He’s a good boy!

Just to make things even more safe, when they found a low tumor 2 years ago and suggested a hysterectomy might be the only way to be able to access it, I jumped up and yelled:

“Yes, please!! Take it all! Rid me of my girlie parts!!”

So we had no more babies. No more midnight feedings, diapers to change and cries to answer. Before we knew it, everyone here was potty trained. There were no more accidents, no more errant turds.

We bought a dog who was 8 months old and house trained. A dog who likes to sleep in. Likes to spend a good bit of her day on her bed napping. Who doesn’t bite or chew shoes. Mostly one who doesn’t sneak down the hall to leave presents that will later squish between our toes.

And then somewhere along the line I lost my fucking mind.

So when my mom called and said:

“We’d really like to buy the girls a puppy.”

I didn’t say:

“No thanks, we’re good.”


“Have you lost your mind woman? No way in hell do I want a puppy!”

Instead, I said:

“That’s a great idea, they’d love that! I’ll start looking now.”

And now I’m exhausted from the tiny puppy whining at 5am. I’m tired of jumping at the smallest sign she might need to go outside. I’m wondering what the hell I was thinking. And because, as I mentioned, I’ve lost my fucking mind, I sent the youngest 2 for a week at my parents’ house. So I’m also currently the head of the puppy entertainment committee.

But mostly, I’m threatening people with butter knives.

It’s a damn good thing this baby is so cute.

Who me???


15 thoughts on “This is a poop-free zone!

  1. do the two beauties love each other? like? tolerate? puppy will mature and then you’ll remember why you did this.

    • They’re actually having a lot of fun together…..our older one is surprisingly patient and gentle with the baby. Which is hard when she’s hanging off her tail or ear! I’m proud of her.

  2. omg… effing hilarious! i have not one, not two, but THREE miniature dachshunds. small dogs. even smaller brains. but their bladders work. trust me. all over the place. $%@#&. yeah. i lost my effing mind… way back when we got the first. people understand one. they think two are cute. but when you say you have THREE… they just look at you like wtf??
    your dog is so cute i’d almost want to have it.
    but then i’d be a single mom.

    • Yes, clearly you have lost your mind too!! THREE of them?

      She is really cute…and asleep on my arm at the moment so i’ve almost forgiven her the pee stain.

  3. I got a 11 week old puppy when my youngest child was 15. Boy, did that send me back to the days of babies, and I thought I’d never make it through (the babies or the puppy!!) But my puppy is now two, and he learned fairly fast, so it’s worth it!! Just look at that face!!! And with three girls in the house, you’re going to need someone who loves you all the time (besides SG, obviously). Good luck and hang in there!!

    • Well she and our other dog are getting along great so that helps but wow, she’s a lot of work. At least my youngest is only 9 so i didn’t have quite as much break 😉

  4. Your post is hilarious as well as timely. I was just telling a friend today that we need a dog. Now I will buy one of those creepy animatronic cats that makes weird purring sounds instead.

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