Once upon a time I had a baby (my 2nd one) and 13 months and 5 days later I had another.
A few days later, after many a sleepless night, still sore from pushing out that third baby, weighing in at 9lbs 6oz, I said to SG:
“SG darling, great love of my life, would you like to call and make a doctor’s appointment now or would you like me to give you a vasectomy with this butter knife after I finish making D1’s toast?”
Because he has a natural inclination to protect his manhood, he made that call and within weeks he was resting peacefully in the recliner with a bag a frozen peas placed gently on his nether regions. He’s a good boy!
Just to make things even more safe, when they found a low tumor 2 years ago and suggested a hysterectomy might be the only way to be able to access it, I jumped up and yelled:
“Yes, please!! Take it all! Rid me of my girlie parts!!”
So we had no more babies. No more midnight feedings, diapers to change and cries to answer. Before we knew it, everyone here was potty trained. There were no more accidents, no more errant turds.
We bought a dog who was 8 months old and house trained. A dog who likes to sleep in. Likes to spend a good bit of her day on her bed napping. Who doesn’t bite or chew shoes. Mostly one who doesn’t sneak down the hall to leave presents that will later squish between our toes.
And then somewhere along the line I lost my fucking mind.
So when my mom called and said:
“We’d really like to buy the girls a puppy.”
I didn’t say:
“No thanks, we’re good.”
“Have you lost your mind woman? No way in hell do I want a puppy!”
Instead, I said:
“That’s a great idea, they’d love that! I’ll start looking now.”
And now I’m exhausted from the tiny puppy whining at 5am. I’m tired of jumping at the smallest sign she might need to go outside. I’m wondering what the hell I was thinking. And because, as I mentioned, I’ve lost my fucking mind, I sent the youngest 2 for a week at my parents’ house. So I’m also currently the head of the puppy entertainment committee.
But mostly, I’m threatening people with butter knives.
It’s a damn good thing this baby is so cute.