Today – I’m Pissed

You will be missed Chris Cavanaugh.

*warning – cancer rant ahead. I WILL be swearing!*

January 2006 – D1 (at age 9) lost a classmate to brain cancer. It started as leukemia when he was 18 months old. He was diagnosed with testicular cancer at age 6. Brain cancer at 9.

February 2006 – My insides blew up and tried to kill me. I was diagnosed with GIST

December 2006 – D1’s friend lost her mother to brain cancer

April 2009 – My pills stopped working. Had to tell the girls it was back.

Memorial Day 2009 – D1 went camping with a friend and her family. The mom had “allergy headaches”

June 12, 2009 – The mom died from a brain tumor

Last month – The father of D1’s bff since kindergarten went to the hospital. Diagnosed with multiple myeloma – still in the hospital on dialysis. Started chemo last night. He didn’t go to the dr. because they have no health insurance. It may be too late.

Monday – SG’s mom had breast cancer surgery. She starts radiation as soon as she recovers. Thankfully they found it early!!

Last night – Picked D1 up late from an out-of-town volleyball and had to tell her this:

Honey I’m sorry, but that sweet 14 yr old boy you’ve been friends with since 1st grade – the brother of D2’s friend – has leukemia.

What. The. Hell?!?

I am so tired of this. I am exhausted by the number of times I’ve watched D1 cry because of this damn disease! SHE’S 14! It’s too much.

I’m afraid to scan next week because I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t do it to them anymore. My heart is broken!

This fucking cancer has taken their smiles again. It’s broken their hearts too many times to count. The kids don’t understand. Hell, I don’t understand.

WHY? What has gone wrong in our world that so many people are facing the loss of their parents and children?

How do I explain and try to make sense of something to completely senseless? How do reassure my oldest daughter that it will be ok when I’m not convinced myself?

Why her? Why so much loss for her at such a young age?

Why am I having to promise her I’ll do my best not to be parent #3, or #4?

Why is that something we even keep track of?

Just why.

18 thoughts on “Today – I’m Pissed

  1. Heartbreaking. 😦 Mid-way through this post, I back-tracked to see if I was reading it correctly – was it really was D1 in each instance?! That poor girl. You’ve all been through enough!

    • It really has been all her. That’s why I wanted to tell her last night when she got home – even it meant she got even less sleep. Afterall of them, I didn’t want her to hear it at school when I wasn’t with her. This is the girl who spent her lunchtime at Band Camp that summer buying a sympathy card for her friend – at age 12. She is sooo kind hearted and I know how much it hurts her.

  2. That is crazy. Nobody – especially children – should have to face so much so soon. Rant away, lady. I have no words (except maybe: Fuck Cancer).

  3. I wish there were words to give you comfort. My only thought is that if life weren’t so precious we wouldn’t care so much about those we lose. Since losing my son 9 years ago, I have to say every day, “I wouldn’t give up the joy of having him for 25 years to avoid the pain of losing him.” Life is fragile. Treasure every day and every relationship!

    • We absolutely do – It just makes me so angry she’s having to learn those lessons so young! I’m so sorry about your son – a parent should never outlive their children.

  4. Don’t challenge me to swear. I’ve been trying to watch my language after letting far too many f-bombs loose in front of my kids.. But dammit, sometimes it’s just gotta fly out. Get fired up. You are fighting for yourself, your husband, your kids, and all of the injustices in the world. Here’s to a good scan. No more bad news.

    • Well if I have a bad one, i have you to distract me 10 days later 🙂 We can swear all we want with no kids around.

      The kids used to threaten to “tell grandma” when I swore but who the hell did they think I learned my best words from anyway?? They gave up.

  5. Pingback: Cancer Benefit Show | World (and Lunar) Domination

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