Happy Tears

Today I cried.

I’m still fighting back tears. Of joy not sorrow. My scan was great!

Sometimes I get one and it feels a little more run of the mill. Don’t get me wrong. They never go unappreciated but today, it hit me so hard that YAY, I’m not going to die soon.

It was a combo of things today I think. First as I was getting blood drawn I was talking to the nurse about the girls. About the big milestones we hit this school year. About how little they were when I was first diagnosed. About how I’m still here to see the big life events.

Then as the second nurse took my blood pressure and heart rate, she commented on what a spectacular heart rate I have. It’s never been bad but it is absolutely on the low-end of the range. It’s down 15 from 3 months ago. The walking is working! Despite the drugs I’m putting in my body that are designed to kill things, I’m thriving.

The big part wasn’t just when the doctor came in and read the results to me. It wasn’t even when he gave me permission to skip the Nexavar for a few days while I’m doing the 1/2 marathon. It was when he looked at the numbers on my blood work and said:

“Wow, these are the numbers of a healthy person!”

Me, a healthy person! Can you imagine?

I was fine until I came home. I dropped SG off at work, picked up lunch and came in and sat down. It was then that it all hit me.

I’m doing ok!

In fact, I’m doing great!

I am so grateful that I decided to have the scan BEFORE I left for Portland. I had thought about waiting until after so that there’d be no dark cloud hanging over me but I know better than that. The anxiety of not knowing would have changed things.

Now I get to embrace my friends and embrace life. To celebrate the good news with people who have walked beside me, both figuratively and literally, and held my hand through the hard parts.

I get to walk among the healthy people in the marathon and BE one of them. Not simply look at them and wish.

Because I have permission to skip the Nexavar for a few days, I will feel good. I will feel as good as my numbers say I am. I won’t have to put on a brave face and pretend.

I will get to be me.

Not me the cancer patient or the girl who scans for the nearest restroom when I walk into someplace new.

I will just be me. A healthy me. Wearing a shirt that says FU Cancer!

I’m so excited to do to the 1/2 that today, I think I could walk the FULL!